I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
