Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My pussy is not your playground.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
