You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm gonna fight the coyote
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
