I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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