if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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