She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
the condom got lost in my hair
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
