Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
