I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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