How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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