i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he was CRYING into my vagina
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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