so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
