Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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