i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
