Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
