dude i'm inner monologue high
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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