if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
