My first STD was from a foam party
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
