I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
