i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
