she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
