Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
