I just threw up on my dentist
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
