I love black thongs
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
