No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
