i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
