Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
