Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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