My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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