and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
