Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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