I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
