is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
