My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
