Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
