hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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