Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
