I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
