thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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