I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
