you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
