I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
