im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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