so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
