3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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