i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
