i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
