So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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