i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
