i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
