Cold hands, warm shart.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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