I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
