I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
