Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize