i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
