My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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