i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize