Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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