we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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