I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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