Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
