so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
