you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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